This article is inspired by my concern that many young people seem to be upset with themselves and disappointed with (or somewhat lost in) their lives. These sentiments are coming through loud and clear in media articles most particularly, where messages of “poor mental health” and “poor states of well-being” in young people is contributing to all sorts of behaviourial problems – and sometimes even self-harm or worse. As a lecturer returning to teach in the tertiary education sector this year I have been saddened by notifications coming out of Australia in particular which inform teachers about statistics relating to mental health.

 

In no way shape or form do I profess to be a psychologist of any description; but I do have the good fortune of belonging to a family which is full of high-achieving people – from an uncle who has managed some of the largest companies in New Zealand, to a cousin who has developed an island in Fiji into an astounding paradise, to a brother who largely developed the eLearning platform for Massey University, to a grandmother (now in her 90’s and still very switched-on) who was among the first women in the world to graduate from the London School of Economics and who later went on (in her capacity as the first female Deputy Mayor in Hawke’s Bay) to help steer the establishment of what is now known as the Eastern Institute of Technology, to a grandfather who was among a small group of doctors who made the discovery of the positive effects of penicillin during war times, to my parents who excelled in the teaching profession.

 

All of these people have been role models to me throughout my life, and I still cherish the times that I’m with them; for often they (without them necessarily knowing) have been sources of wisdom that has helped me on my journey.

 

I have entered a phase of life where I feel very comfortable with who I am and what I am doing…but this hasn’t always been the case. Like many young people I have struggled with understanding who I am, what I should be doing, what I should be aspiring to achieve during my life…etc. This self/ soul searching has at times led me to be very introspective – which ultimately proved not to be useful in shining light on answering the aforementioned questions of “who I am”, etc. And it is this learning that I want to share with particularly young readers of this article, in a bid to help young people feel better about themselves and where they are at in their lives right now.

 

So here we go…

 

Firstly, despite what many young people think, simply due to the relatively short span of time that you have been on earth your understanding of life and the development of your wisdom is understandably still “young” in its formation. Don’t even attempt to profess to know all there is to know about life. Rather, simply keep opening your heart and mind to your life experiences – and observe them closely and learn from them – as they keep unfolding; and thereby keep building upon your wisdom.

 

No human being on earth knows all there is to know – this has always been the case and will always be the case infinitum. The sooner we each come to terms with the notion of being a “life long learner”, through maintaining an open mind, the more at ease we become in ourselves.

 

Secondly, learn from every situation that you find yourself in. How ? Start by being aware of what the given situation is, and then observe closely what is going-on in that situation. Question within yourself: a) how is this situation making me feel ? b) what do I like about this situation (and why) and what am I not enjoying (and why) ? c) what parts of this situation align well with my values and what parts don’t ? d) which people in this situation do I warm to and who are those I feel uneasy about ? e) what behaviours being exhibited am I attracted to and feel that I would like to adopt for myself – versus those being displayed that I want to ensure do not become a part of who I am.

 

Thirdly, accept that every human being on earth has both strengths and weaknesses; and be willing to accept the differences in other people. Work-out how to align yourself with those “good parts” of another person that you are attracted to, and accept the other parts that perhaps sit uneasy with you. If you look for the “good” in other people you will find it ! Similarly, if you only look for the faults/ shortcomings in others you will fail to build constructive relationships – because you will form summary judgments of others based primarily on the ‘bad” (poor qualities) that you see in them.

 

Fourthly, resist trying to be “right” with your opinions, and thereby try and influence the mindsets of others. Rather, simply express your honest opinion and let the recipient of your communication decide for themselves what they think about your views. At the end of the day, what matters most in relationships is that the right conditions are created which enable all people in the relationship (e.g. LinkedIn community) to feel comfortable about stating their views openly and honestly.

 

Fifthly, focus your thoughts and feelings on the world outside yourself. And it is this point in particular that I think particularly young people would benefit from if they were to develop this practice. In order to grow (in an overall sense – both emotionally and in terms of knowledge and well-being) we necessarily need to acquire different/ new perceptions, knowledge and experiences. If we are constantly looking inwardly (i.e. being introspective), we forego the opportunity to fill our senses/ being with new stimuli/ experiences…and in doing so we fail to grow/ evolve.

 

Contrary to popular opinion, it is my belief that by focusing our thoughts and feelings on the outside world far more so than analysing our thoughts and feelings within, that we create the greatest opportunity to develop ourselves. And often, by practicing this discipline we can move-on from those aspects of our past that we perhaps didn’t enjoy – and even start to see particular elements of our lives from different perspectives and thereby create new opportunities.

 

I teach this practice of “looking outwardly” to tertiary level commerce students at the Eastern Institute of Technology. How ? When I lecture I use an “integrated” presentation style which calls for students to be brought into the lecture proceedings. For example, small group exercises culminate in a spokesperson from each group coming forward to the front of the class to present the deliberations of their group; and when presentations are taking place the speaker does their best to look outwardly into the room towards their peers in order to start learning how to “read emotional responses” in others – a skill which helps in the formation and nurturing of constructive relationships.

 

Sixthly, understand that each and every human being on earth has a “valid” view of the world/ universe. We are each equipped with a set of senses and a brain which means that we can’t help but perceive life in a unique way – compared to all other people. Therefore, in order to minimise/ avoid conflict as much as possible (so as to enable ourselves to build and maintain constructive relationships) we should be focusing our conversations that we hold with others on the “ideas” that are presented – and not on the “communicators” of the ideas.

 

Political environments often become conflict-ridden due to conversations between parties becoming centered on the “communicator” more so than the “ideas” themselves. Mature-minded people objectively evaluate and constructively challenge “ideas” .

 

Seventhly, come to terms with the fact that we are human beings. An integral part of being human is that we all make mistakes. The most important aspects of making mistakes is that 1) we learn from our mistakes (and the mistakes made by others), 2) we own (take responsibility for) our mistakes and 3) we forgive those who make mistakes that result in our suffering.

 

Eighthly, trust in others slowly – and test trust in relationships often. Trust others at face-value until such time that circumstances present themselves that brings your trust in a trusted person into question. Build relationships with trustworthy people only.

 

 

Finally, be yourself and let your true self be known to the world. Learn and grow from your life experiences, but never compromise your core values that define who you are. People will attempt to influence you with their opinions throughout your life – this is an inescapable fact. However, it is completely up to you as to how you respond to the input of others – and ultimately whether you accept or reject what is being purported/ promoted by whoever.

 

Know yourself, grow yourself and be yourself. It is the responsibility of each of us to do this – and no-one else can do this for us.

 

It has taken me 50 years to truly understand the above wisdom. My hope is that this same wisdom will be understood by young readers in particular within a lot shorter time-frame than this.

 

Go well.